Sunday, August 15, 2004

*sigh* How to start? It was a party of great expectations, not just for me, but to almost every person in that apartment. Before starting it, we went for a sofa. As you may recall, that place isn't completely furnished. Yet, before we have to wait for Diana to end her work-duties. While waiting for her, I had a really nice talk with Ceci and Hagen, that was kind a preparation for what could be. That night had as goal to make a "first" step in a relationship... So all the day I could've easily been thinking about the event, but I avoided it by working and working. I didn't want to torture myself with anxiety. However my feelings betrayed me while going for the sofa. I went mute. And that isn't a good thing when you aren't alone (if you know what I mean). All the day I sweat. Hagen promptly told me to not lift stuff to avoid consequences ;) Yet I lift it cause there was no one else to do it. And man, how much I sweat! (Jaggy was on the other side and sweat as much.) Three floors, tight corridors and even tighter corners... by the end, I was so exhausted that I forgot my nervous. :)

And people start to arrive. (Thanks the heavy part is done, now you can come...) And here is were the artificiality started. There were to many people concerned/committed to help me, that in reality it was awkward. Oh man, how many times would someone ask "are you comfortable?" not to me, but to... *sigh* There were no opportunities, despite of this, I think most had a great party.

I gave her a ride to her home, and again I couldn't speak to her. Well, nothing significant, just vocative. By then I was completely hungry, so I went for some dogos, and brought some more for my friends at diana's place. What came was, WOW, a great new from jaggy. It had nothing to do with me, but it's great! :D It ain't mine to tell you. And then, the inevitable came. Diana, of course, was the voice.

When that happened my feelings were sad, but in some way I thought, this I could mark as an end. However, when Diana started with her speech, I remembered an exercise of MW, about how many times before the face of failure I back off completely, when maybe all it needed was a bit more effort. Jaggy also talked a lot, and I really appreciate what both of them tried to do. To tell the truth, most of what they said I already knew (and by knew is in the systemic way of things). I do listened to them with great effort anyway, 'cause they were telling what they felt was right, in a deep way. (Diana's boyfriend had a special glance as if it were the first time it saw that dynamic...)

I went out of that door with people telling me don't to rush, contrast it with the talk of 8 vs 1. I did learn a lot, about that common sense that eludes me. My next step is a one-to-one, allan is right, it doesn't matter if it's the best or most effective way. Making some failures will even be better. I've to stop fearing absurd things... maybe I'll get a mantra :) Don't take life to seriously, you won't came out of it alive.


Blogger David said...

I think that I need more background to understand your last posts. Why? Becasue I can't follow what you wrote. Maybe I become a stranger I don't know you anymore. Anyways, see you later.

1:18 PM  

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