Saturday, January 24, 2004

Right now I'm toying with a couple of ideas, planning how to obtain my master degree is almost the centre of everything. I'm using MrProject... but I come here to talk about the lone journey. It's about deciding what to do of my life. Once upon a time I made a big sketch of it, and that was good. Every once in a while I stiff my neck just to see that I'm on path. Maybe it's time to put more details on that. Now I now better what I like and what I wish.

Thursday was a day of revelations, for I went to a table dance. I "received" my first (and I will make it my last) "sexy". The thing was completely amusing. It isn't about relaxing myself, as someone pointed, it's about what I learned that night. And here I will tell you without giving you chance to respond what I thought. If you think that I erred come and see me.

The thing was disgusting. I felt raped. (No, I'm not telling you how a martyr I am.) I could really easy have gone away, but in that instant I felt betrayed so my will was low. I know what peer pressure can be, yet never imagined who would told me "You must do that"... Of course he did that with the best of his intentions. And maybe he still thinks it was a practical joke or even a lesson. I sure learned, but not what he thinks. Then I was with that women, and she started moving. I know, that my face reflected pain. This time it wasn't shyness, it was simply me having contact with a I-didn't-want-it. But there was a separation of thoughts. One was simple curiosity "what can I obtain?" "what can I do?" I even asked that one. She replied with "Do whatever you want, I will tell you if you surpass the limit". And then she took my hands to her breast. But I just sensed skin... That was my other thought, "what am I doing? This isn't what you want." I thought about her, that one who rejected me. And the combined effects of me-don't-wanting-this and that just made it clear how a vacuum body means nothing to me. Then she put my hand on her butt, it was cold, just as my soul 'cause I was there. Then for a moment I let my body give up, my mind shutdowned. And I gave her a hug, trying to capture any essence. And my mind returned, and knowing that I didn't find anything there, I stopped. One part of me said "try making her feel better", but I had no pity for her, nor any feeling. She was just working... I could have tried to experiment, feel that body. I am a scientific after all, but I abhorred that idea. I didn't tried to touch her hands, her sex or her face. And I'm proud of it. for that will be forever reserved for that person I will find. And with that renewed pride I forgot the pain. Then she asked if I wanted a private. Jaja, "No". "Your friends could pay it", she replied. JAJA. "No they won't." and she ended. She finished with a thanks, I didn't look back. Then I returned to the table, but I was dazzled.

What I have written here, may not make sense to you, and trying to put in words what I felt is almost heretical. But now I know I have slept too much. There are more ways to see that evening. Zillions of thought have been in my head, and this entry has what until this moment been my personal conclusion.


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