Saturday, March 13, 2004

Well Friday passed and it was great. More people came than I thought, and there were people I wished to see there... and then there were people who couldn't enter just because the place was full (at least in our corner). I swapped context every few minutes trying to be with every guest. Of course I could've passed the night talking with padilla or allan or pollo, but didn't felt right.

I want to share here my experience yesterday but there is a phrase that reverberates more. "Mr. I'm so happy I don't get angry" said by Diana...

On one aspect it seems good that people think that I'm so happy to be unable to get angry. However it doesn't seem healthy to be one of that kind, and worse I AM NOT that thing. Well, yes, I am normally optimistic and try to make people feel that there is a light for every shadow. I'm a leveler. But as everyone else I've my problems which happen to be by nature the same just manifested in my quirk way. In other words, maybe I don't have problems with my girlfriend or with the purpose of life but there are reasons (for instance not having one). In many ways I've fight very hard to let people know that I'm not just a ______ (insert word).

There's also the way she said it. For context purpose, I was amused by the idea that someone who I didn't invited was coming. Normally I don't care, on my viewpoint making a party isn't about celebrating my "persona". It's about having all these people near each other so I can enjoy there company. Yet this particular person disturbs the environment. And has the tendency to do obnoxious comments. there isn't a real hard thing against him, just that for me it is a paradox of what a real person is. So I try to avoid it. For example that afternoon he started inviting people to the party and got angry with me just because I didn't stopped working to please his doubts about where was it going to be. He yelled "blah blah that's why I cannot get with you, you don't invite chicks blah blah" As if he knew who was invited or I even tried to get with him. So I shout "If you don't want to come, DON'T". On retrospective I should have said "DON'T by any means". BTW, people even said things like "Maybe I shouldn't come" after knowing that he was coming. It was a prank of course, but htere's some truth to these kind of jokes. Anyway, I took it this way "If he comes, fine. It's a free country I'll have a little more work trying to save my other guests from inappropiate behaviours, but I'll enjoy the meeting and maybe I'll alas encounter the human spark on him." If I sound too prideful tell me. So I started digging up who invited him, just to ensure that my feeling are known.

And then she said it. It was on a chat so I don't have many clues about the inflection, but it sound like "aj?, at last you show your true skin!" So I felt kind of hurt at first, as if I weren't true to her. As if I wore a mask of happiness. Which isn't the case. Then I recalled more and went, maybe is because she senses me as too pasive. Of course I realized that she didn't meant it to be a statement, it was just a funny phrase for her. But I continued on my journey... you see I believe in trying to find truth even on lightbulbs. Do I have some sort of Clark Kent syndrome (without the powers)? That would mean I'm form derecha...

BTW, reiterating I'm human, I also get angry and are pretty comfortable being angry when I am.


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