Saturday, March 08, 2003

Now in, what I called home for several years, i.e. OSC, I'll continue describing my experience at project adventure. Everything was great, shame there were only ten of us, pity for those who didn't came. Alba, Ilyann, Marisol, Lalo, Julian, Hagen, Glo, Frank and the guy I'll call Sergio (it may cause problems to not remember a name, but I'm certain everybody has done that) were my comrades there. I flied. It wasn't the same as when I dreamt about it, but the high-adrenaline part was going up, up there it isn't as fun, Delirium was right (about airplanes & clouds). BTW, if you really want to impress me in my b-day there are some endless statues I could... never mind.

Today I faced Fear. I faced it. More than twice should I repeat it. There is a high staff were one jumps to get to the trapeze (en?). I simply couldn do that. some may say that it's normal, considering it was high. But I'll not take your attention (more than necessary) to the fact that I wasn't alone, that I went up thinking I could do it. There were many shouting, everyone had a strategy to try to convince me to do it. Some called me coward, some cheer me "You can do it", some tried to reason about safety, some joked. But here's my story from the inside. First, in that moment I didn't care about what they said against me. I thanked (inside myself for trying to help), but from the beginning I knew it was something internal. I even, once asked for silence (which they gave me). I wasn't afraid of the altitude, knewed about the safety. However every time I figured that I couldn do it (standing on the staff), wasn't sure of my equilibrium, of myself.

I couldn't jump to the vacuum.

And I knew that I wanted and not, at the same time. After all I staired up, figuring that there I'll just do it. And you know, it true. pe'i If I went upstairs without thinking I could have managed it (just like dane, I suppose). I don't remember the last time I was afraid. Wasn't about safety, of being able in any case. Fear is irrational so I won't try to give you a complete rationalized theory. How many times have I failed because of this fear? How many time will I fail? Someone said that (s)he didn't because (s)he knewed (s)he wouldn't be able. I won't say I'm superior just for trying. But I feel that I did right, even if I couldn't. (Of course I will be better the next time, I succeed). They were graceful when I came down, by the ladder. They didn't mock me.

Did I lost something? Doubt it. Now I write about it, trying to deeply/internal know how to live with it. "Living with" not as "I can't change it", more like "Learning from it".

Fear is a big tool, it has its reasons to exist in every sentient being. It should not be considered a failure, a defect in our systems (even if people wish it weren't there). Tomorrow, maybe I will continue, I start to feel like repeating the ideas without an insight or worthy comment...


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