Monday, January 12, 2004

How does one live in-between moments? This year has been an unbelievable time. Words fail me, this year I promised myself, to let me jump. Meaning, that I will take ever greater risks to grow full potencial. I'm doing little and huge amounts of change this way. Things as simple as asking for help in this field, have brought amazing new insights. After mailing for aid, I received about 5 or 6 different topic responses. Health, fashion, love were the great themes =) And dance.

Thursday will be my first day, I think so of tae kwon do. Thus, fulfilling the health session. (I can see an enhancement by changing my food, but it'll've to wait).

Fashion? Me! jaja, in my most primitive level I'm completely against clothes, jaja. But I can change the world so far, so I'll start using shoes and would let my multiple jeans have some time to get fresh air. So many could find this amusing, why do something you are against? First, because it doesn't cost me a dim to be viewed better. My policy is to avoid judging based on superficial, and this shouldn't have to do with my outfit. Second, maybe I find after a time that I still don't get it, that there's no real advantage, so what have I lost? Nothing. Third, there's also a part of me who likes being gazed =)

Love, the great topic. I could write and write without ever revealing this part of my life. I feel it is to personal, to dangerous to handle. But as time goes, it's obvious this isn't the way. If I want a partner I must let her see what I am. I must stop the scrying before going for it. Love is a game where rules are seldom recognized, so why being so defensive? It was fear... I think to kinds of fear. First of pain, then of not being sufficient. (worth of love). These are hard words, and in other times I could be afraid of letting this be visible. Then I realized some things, most are afraid of these things. So why pretend not to be. Let them know. They really can't hurt you, is yourself with your doubts who does the evil.

There are many kinds of pain, and being rejected at first could seem as the greatest. But it is a favor. If she disagrees about the relationship if she is right or not, doesn't gave any decision on the outcome. Just try again. This of course isn't so easy if you have fall in love, but chances say you are enfatuated. Love isn't a fashion, love is hard work (of course with great rewards). So this covers the pain I was refering, almost.

There's also the cost of not doing what you so much desire, letting yourself say those sweet words. And I'm here to say, this should not be again. There were more than enough times I did that, no more. It isn't worth it. What'ifs of this kind are living hells, don't let them reign.

Not being worth of love is almost the worst thing I can come up (after not being able to give it). And that is a terrible dumb thing to think, cause if it is really posible to be in that state, then you could still love. And in my head that's a seed, whose tree will bring someone. How? In a cinic way, 'cause people need that. In a less cinic, people need it like air, but once they had it they will see the source. And who can resist a person who gives love without demanding it? In a personal level I did an inventary and self confident of being a healthy prosperous single, which is in love of life to start things. (People who complain about how cursi I am, will need to learn to handle it, jaja). And then it is the really simple thing that no one can encounter love inside the shell I had. The shell is to be afraid, not to be shy. Shyness is common, and yet people fall to love.

So after all this words, have I come nearer to attaining it? It depends, I think I keep growing, I really like someone (this meaning trying to know her in every bit so however, closing my eyes and watching her, all these usual things ;) I completely know I'm enfatuated, but this is the start if I have a chance. Yet again I didn't answered completely... I won't lie here (nor anywhere) I'm still afraid, I'm still nervous and have so many things to work on, but I'll try it that's the difference.

(If I'm lucky I'll write here more, if not you will still here from me, that simple).