Saturday, March 08, 2003

Wow, now I won't need my own blog!

It is sometimes a mistake to climb; it is always a mistake never even to make the attempt. If you do not climb, you will not fall. This is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall?
Now in, what I called home for several years, i.e. OSC, I'll continue describing my experience at project adventure. Everything was great, shame there were only ten of us, pity for those who didn't came. Alba, Ilyann, Marisol, Lalo, Julian, Hagen, Glo, Frank and the guy I'll call Sergio (it may cause problems to not remember a name, but I'm certain everybody has done that) were my comrades there. I flied. It wasn't the same as when I dreamt about it, but the high-adrenaline part was going up, up there it isn't as fun, Delirium was right (about airplanes & clouds). BTW, if you really want to impress me in my b-day there are some endless statues I could... never mind.

Today I faced Fear. I faced it. More than twice should I repeat it. There is a high staff were one jumps to get to the trapeze (en?). I simply couldn do that. some may say that it's normal, considering it was high. But I'll not take your attention (more than necessary) to the fact that I wasn't alone, that I went up thinking I could do it. There were many shouting, everyone had a strategy to try to convince me to do it. Some called me coward, some cheer me "You can do it", some tried to reason about safety, some joked. But here's my story from the inside. First, in that moment I didn't care about what they said against me. I thanked (inside myself for trying to help), but from the beginning I knew it was something internal. I even, once asked for silence (which they gave me). I wasn't afraid of the altitude, knewed about the safety. However every time I figured that I couldn do it (standing on the staff), wasn't sure of my equilibrium, of myself.

I couldn't jump to the vacuum.

And I knew that I wanted and not, at the same time. After all I staired up, figuring that there I'll just do it. And you know, it true. pe'i If I went upstairs without thinking I could have managed it (just like dane, I suppose). I don't remember the last time I was afraid. Wasn't about safety, of being able in any case. Fear is irrational so I won't try to give you a complete rationalized theory. How many times have I failed because of this fear? How many time will I fail? Someone said that (s)he didn't because (s)he knewed (s)he wouldn't be able. I won't say I'm superior just for trying. But I feel that I did right, even if I couldn't. (Of course I will be better the next time, I succeed). They were graceful when I came down, by the ladder. They didn't mock me.

Did I lost something? Doubt it. Now I write about it, trying to deeply/internal know how to live with it. "Living with" not as "I can't change it", more like "Learning from it".

Fear is a big tool, it has its reasons to exist in every sentient being. It should not be considered a failure, a defect in our systems (even if people wish it weren't there). Tomorrow, maybe I will continue, I start to feel like repeating the ideas without an insight or worthy comment...
I feel drowsy, but before explaining my mental state... yesterday we went to celebrate Julian's birthday, yep at the end, was able to move five ociosos to the hippo's, at Pabellón. It was a difficult task, but pe'i Julian may like it, even if he said different before the event. I'm not the kind of people that thinks that your birthday is special (just like february 14, isn't really special by itself). However, it's useful to remind us of what we care. The talk was excellent, the view, well, I will keep saying it isn't a spring effect what happens. I discovered a little more of Erick, nice guy as I have known for long, but this time we talked and he gave an opinion. Maybe it's wrong to judge opinions (especially when they are against your beliefs), but I have to say "I want to see more of it." Yes, even if you use anime examples, jeje, just a joke...

Today I am at the Tec, inside CITE and before that I was in "Project Adventure". We came as the ACM student chapter. I haven't been there, but I wanted it for long. It reminds me of my boy scout epoch, first and second life. And I'll continue this, on the OSC...

Friday, March 07, 2003

Now I have sucumbed to the consumism, I have tried to obtain a credit card. There are many ways in which this can be great =) and think myself superior to the obvious disasters that can wait for a newcomer to the credit world.

Am I an stargazer? Or a Lasombra? jeje, only people with role-playing games background may understand it. In any case I think I should write about how good it to play rpg, not final fantasy-style. Even better, about the reasons I think people should play... If I were a Mage, maybe I'll be marauder or orphan...
Happy B-day, Julian! .uisai March is a popular month to born... last night I went, as planned, to my "Cículo de Lectura". I'm aware that, that part of my life is also nebolous to many of my friends =) The topic of the talk was mainly about how Mexicans hava a loser-education. How people in Mexico are teached that we were conquested by Spain, then we lose with US and how we constantly are under a government who don't cares about our poor people, blah blah. And how this attitude is bad for us and how history is very different than the one showed by the official books. One important point was that Mexico wasn't conquested by Spain, we born because of it. So the main point was how we let it happen, so we are finally responsible for our destiny.

Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does. Jean-Paul Sartre

It wasn't that funny, but I was glad to see them. The only problem I saw was that after two minutes everyone had the same opinion, they advocated for the same causes. And even though I believed pretty much in the same felt a need to compensate the lack of diversity, as always, it's funny to play devil's advocate, leveling a little. And at least I disrupted the talk once. Wouldn't you do the same for the benefit of the group? I follow the ravnos philosophy while leveling...

All the group is very friendly and mature enough to know the difference between argument and speaker, so a discussion/ open war is common and at the end of the night we are happy and no one feels bad in case his/her argument crashed. This time the point of tension was if religion borned or not, from fear. BTW, 3 outta 6 are atheist =) At the middle of the discussion I charged my atheist comrade when she mixed the fear of God with fearing the world. And I know that I was right with that. SO at the end I was acting completly by my beliefs (not acting =) And it was great!

In my house I starred, yet again, stars. Now Corvis, Boots, Draco and Virgo are known sky-torry, jeje. Jupiter will stay a time on Cancer so I will need a couple of months to see it.

Thursday, March 06, 2003

Today 93 people died in an airplane crash at Algeria. And you know what, I didn't feel it. They were "yet another". And then I remebered a talk with Pollo about how we can't let us feel every bad thing that occurs. He said that it's bad for you to care about how there are certain sickness that occur to people who couldn't avoid it, it just happens. There is no cure for them. That day I strongly disagree, because I felt that was like lying to yourself "this doesn't happen". However today I found a shell "don't mind, you didn't know them, we are so many". This was made without being aware of it, not conciously. I have always been of the "let it be" camp but realizing the repercusions, and now it seems I need to wake my sensibility. No, i'm not masochist just think I should preserve my respect for life, for those who suffer and for the world.
Happy birthday Nura! Well, it was yesterday but as you probably know I can't write about what I will or I'm doing... After the work I went to her house just to say "Hi". And it really was like that, she has in a hurry. She is Baha'i and had a dinner at night so in her house I was only able to watch TV while she prepared herself for the event. A quick chit-chat of what have been of our lives, a little talk with her friend and neighbour Ale about Canada and that's it. However the funny part was when she tried to give me a ride to my home, with her family. It was a stereotypical family trip, imagine the scene... One windstar with Nura's Abba driving, Nura at the right, her sister and probably an aunt at the middle and I at the back. All of them switching between spanish and farsi and discussing. The typical talk between a father and two sisters argueing against trusting people. And every time Nura's sister glanced me, she said something like "We are the telerin family", she was ashamed. The funny thing is that it always happen when there is a stranger with a family =) I know how it feels, and I'm sure everyone knows that feeling. So why the shame?

Today I have my "Círculo de Lectura" meeting, and haven't even start the book I supposed to read about Ana Bolena. Yes, a parragraph above I say I can't write about what I will do, but I'm talking about my plans for the afternoon... but how to read Ana Boleno when you have Cleoptra's life, Dragons of the East and Protector by Larry Niven? This reminds me about how can people don't like to read... lack of concentration, imagination or what? until now I know only of one who has in my eyes a valid reason to not read so much... In other news, I learned that Alfredo Saras borned the 8th of March.

Wednesday, March 05, 2003

Tuesday was a twisted day, from now on let's call it Twesday, jeje... no. The working hours were boring, wasn't capable of working. There are too many of us trying to use few resources. However after 5:30 the day became full of activities. Sorry Pollo for not calling you. First driving, this by itself is an extreme sport with my car, speed, 5 or more trucks, some traffic and a highway-Lazaro Cardenas route. I like it, even though many people don't like it. My laptop is at last being inspected, that was why I took the car, after all. They close at 6:30 and I get there at 6:15. After that I went to ComicCastle, it was near. I decided I would only spend up to 200 pesos and my change. It was very difficult (at least for me) to find where to park. I bought a Mage suplement and Karmatron #1 and #2. I am not normally a fan of comics (or I don't consider it myself), it was more the feeling of helping the national industry what pushed me to do this. Then was time to go with my mother, help her with laundry and give her a ride to my aunt's house. At 9:30 I had an appoinment my ET team.

I returned home full of things to consider, to think, to resolve and many things I wished to say. That night I didn't have time to watch the starts, I read Karmatron and started with the Mage one.

Don't hold the truth. Don't know the answers. Yet I feel that I'm right in being myself. It's too disturbing when two people want to be honest but at least one doesn't know if telling all is beneficial. Do I have the right to open a road whose way I don't know where it goes? I can't give promises, but certainly know that it may cause pain. When does one has the right to tear down another's one world? Is the other one ready? I don't believe in "ignorance is blissfull", I'm with "Truth shall free you" (In that I'm completely Christian); but where is the limit between freeing and hurting. So many doubts...

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

Yesterday at night I continued my star observations. I finally get to see Jupiter and I added Leo, Canis Minor & Auriga to my known constellations. I'm seriously considering to buy a 80 dlls binoculars I saw in the Gran Plaza... It's great to view the sky, and better with Xephem aiding me. I would have learned Cancer (the one between Gemini and Leo) if it weren't because Jupiter was just in the middle of it, jeje. I almost forgot Saturn... I see him also.

Well, let's try to continue with my "Feliz" topic... There was another discussion with Allan about "Felicidad" and sisyphus' myth. For those who don't remembered/knew, in greek mythology there's the stoyry of a guy who has as punishment to push a rock up the cliff, however when it was at the top it rolled down so he had to start again over and over ad infinitum. Is there anything that by it's own gives "Felicidad" to do? In that talk I flipped the question to somtething like: if life is just rolling the stone, why don't we just search for the appropiate rock, one which you like. This isn't a happy proposal in the eyes of many, but it express my feeling of "just choose what to do". So when I am unable to do what I want I have some options: complain, wait or change the rock. So I conclude that life is about knowing when to do, wait or change, and of course about 42.

Monday, March 03, 2003

Let's see, saturday I sleep and read. Reading about Cleopatra's life, Game theory and some Ruby (programmming language). Don't remember my dreams. It was cool to be alone in my bed, until I wanted to be with my friends and find this time it wasn't possible. That feeling was the same of friday all was good (even working late) until I realice that I wasn't my choice to continue doing that. And that's my introduction to the topic of today, jeje, the "Felicidad".

Just a quote before entering the discussion.
KwyjiboUh... a big, dumb, balding,
North American ape with no chin... And a short temper!

Taken from the simpsons

Sunday, Pollo came early... welll in fact.. (let's say he came to my home) We watched TV for a couple of hours until we decided to go to Julio's house. There I felt a mixture of feelings because of Jaime's "sudden" call. The dialogue between He and Yorch and Julio was exasperating. It isn't funny when you are in the house of someone while the host is talking to someone on the phone. I knew it was important for them so I let them. At first, I saw with certain amusement half of the talk, then I experiencied a Not-my-problem state of mind and I ended a little annoyed because it seemed so long. The worst thing is that when it, at last, ended we went to blockbuster; only to discover that Yorch needed to go when we arrived back to Julio's home. The talk we had in that walk can be read at Julio's blog ;)

That night I had another of that internal strugle to know what to do. well, I really everynight have one... but this time it was mainly about what to do or stop doing. What was the core of my anger? And I half dreamed about it. You know when I make retrospection, I try to consider my subconscious, my instinct, whatever you call it. The usual thing is to have some internal discussion, a little fuzzy noise, some childish quest/dream and then I return to "normal" state. This isn't a serial process, it's more two/three layers of thought/feelings woven together. The next morning I wake up and I see the solution, that's it, more or less. But that night instead of sleeping after my internal "tournament" I went outside to my window and I bring my sky map =) I had one hour of complete "Felicidad", and I knew it from the start. BTW, now I'm able to find Gemini...

I call it being "Feliz", instead of happy for reasons before explained. And because I use it in a different manner. There are happy momments and there are "Feliz" ones. ru'a (I postulate) "Felicidad" is the things which fullfillls the person. This phrase is really a tautology (the last phrase is also one in another context ;). So it doen't define in the usual sense, it just marks a kind of field in which it has a meaning. I contrast it with being happy which I see it, more like a mood a viceral feeling as anger, fear or love (I will use "Amor in a similar form in the future). It deserves another entry just to talk about these last 3 basic human emotions. It seems that searching the "Felicidad" has become a holy grail in the post-modern era. Some say it's personal, some that it can't be achieved by more than a few moments. What I think happened is that people forgot waht "Felicidad" is. They see in happiness the personal and very temporal relief of life, just like a small heaven for the believers. But I think "Felicidad" is a state of mind produced by one, mantained by one and forgotten or saled by one. I would try to describe what I feel. I recognize that I am "Feliz" because then I view the world a little different I get the sensation of unity. It's like a propositive "don't care". (Maybe that's the reason behind my "centrismo")

I would like to continue with this but I have to go... next time, maybe.