Right now I'm toying with a couple of ideas, planning how to obtain my master degree is almost the centre of everything. I'm using MrProject... but I come here to talk about the lone journey. It's about deciding what to do of my life. Once upon a time I made a big sketch of it, and that was good. Every once in a while I stiff my neck just to see that I'm on path. Maybe it's time to put more details on that. Now I now better what I like and what I wish.

Thursday was a day of revelations, for I went to a table dance. I "received" my first (and I will make it my last) "sexy". The thing was completely amusing. It isn't about relaxing myself, as someone pointed, it's about what I learned that night. And here I will tell you without giving you chance to respond what I thought. If you think that I erred come and see me.

The thing was disgusting. I felt raped. (No, I'm not telling you how a martyr I am.) I could really easy have gone away, but in that instant I felt betrayed so my will was low. I know what peer pressure can be, yet never imagined who would told me "You must do that"... Of course he did that with the best of his intentions. And maybe he still thinks it was a practical joke or even a lesson. I sure learned, but not what he thinks. Then I was with that women, and she started moving. I know, that my face reflected pain. This time it wasn't shyness, it was simply me having contact with a I-didn't-want-it. But there was a separation of thoughts. One was simple curiosity "what can I obtain?" "what can I do?" I even asked that one. She replied with "Do whatever you want, I will tell you if you surpass the limit". And then she took my hands to her breast. But I just sensed skin... That was my other thought, "what am I doing? This isn't what you want." I thought about her, that one who rejected me. And the combined effects of me-don't-wanting-this and that just made it clear how a vacuum body means nothing to me. Then she put my hand on her butt, it was cold, just as my soul 'cause I was there. Then for a moment I let my body give up, my mind shutdowned. And I gave her a hug, trying to capture any essence. And my mind returned, and knowing that I didn't find anything there, I stopped. One part of me said "try making her feel better", but I had no pity for her, nor any feeling. She was just working... I could have tried to experiment, feel that body. I am a scientific after all, but I abhorred that idea. I didn't tried to touch her hands, her sex or her face. And I'm proud of it. for that will be forever reserved for that person I will find. And with that renewed pride I forgot the pain. Then she asked if I wanted a private. Jaja, "No". "Your friends could pay it", she replied. JAJA. "No they won't." and she ended. She finished with a thanks, I didn't look back. Then I returned to the table, but I was dazzled.

What I have written here, may not make sense to you, and trying to put in words what I felt is almost heretical. But now I know I have slept too much. There are more ways to see that evening. Zillions of thought have been in my head, and this entry has what until this moment been my personal conclusion.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay

That day had 3 main issues to tell you. Social dynamics, combat and the lone journey.

At lunch I was able to perceive 2 social structures different in details, same principles. I'm talking about two generations of my career. The thing is quite obvious after you spend some time hearing the conversation. Both groups tend to talk about past shared experiences, and both produce an imaginary enemy outta certain person whom they dislike. It's a typical case of peer group found in the early adolescence. The important thing here is that both groups can see the other one as childish because of this behaviour. When individuals aren't inside that groups they act more rational and more like themselves, I think/hope. This produces several ideas, for example how peer groups can become a personality jail.

Yesterday was also my first Tae kwon do, I really like the time I pass there. I end up all tired and my muscles have some pain, but as it is said, I think better the rest of the time. However, having a "real-time" fight with a comrade is a rush of adrenaline. Even knowing both don't want to hurt, just trying to beat the other one is real fun. It's part of my animal heritage, I presume. I learned 2 moves, just to have it written here: I entered this thing to better my body, not for fight, but it's so fun =)

I'm a little tired so later, with any luck I'll write about the lone journey.

Today has been quite beneficous to this person. First a chocolate from mom, with no reason whatsoever. Then I had many good laughs. And to crown the night two jewels. First I got recognized by an unknown benefactor, as productive enough to get a prize. Second, I at last received 2 of the books I wanted almost 2 months ago.

I had casual communication with her, I'm in doubt if she has "forgiven" me for what I've done. We can talk via instant messenger, but face-to-face she looks away, or maybe I'm just paranoid. For my part, I think I've surpassed any bad reaction. And now I only want to regain a great friendship.

Btw, even how much I enjoy that recognition, I believe myself part of a bigger agenda which will bring chaos to the organization. when I have more proofs I'll tell my hypothesis.

Am I disappointed by the outcome? No. Do I feel it was necessary and healthy? Yes. How do I feel? It's kind on tranquil, it really is a hole. My wish for life is sypnonning away. It's time to change. I know this shall pass, and I even knewed in advance, part of me, anyway. And as I said, it wasn't so hard to be rejected. I even think it was harder for her.

So many things to write here, but none should stay, for it wasn't meant to be. She said she didn't know, and the thing that really hit me low was "I didn't expected this, as I wouldn't expect it coming from Hagen, Frank or others". Not being special, I suppose is the phrase. And I couldn't tell her that I thought I received signals of interest from her, what for? It would only make it harder for her...

"The reason it cannot be is because I have someone else." That's it. The King is Dead - Long Live the King.

I want this friendship to survive, eventhough. And really want the best for her...