Friday, April 04, 2003

I won't permit two days in a row without an entry. My hard drive of my work crashed, and that's the summary of yesterday activity. I'm currently reading The Ringworld Engineers, which is good. My interest in lojban is growing after a decline I had for months. Don't have the time to write much, and less to try to answer a muffy question... So this entry will be quick points to note. It's interesting that I had yesterday a sudden wish to read my tarot cards, and today I found that Allan wants to buy a new ones. I didn't read them, just shuffle them and ended terriblely tired; but learned a lot of the fool's journey. I found that my casual dislexia is phonetical (it ain't real dislexia, just typos). The thing is I switch by sounds not by letters. So I discovered that letters without sound are never counted on my dislexia... "uiqen" instead of "quien". I watched Libra fighting Aries Teacher, and it didn't trigger nostalgia, so I didn't watch it as "wow, that's so cool". And now I'm convinced that in order to maintain a good memory of them I must not watch it now. Just like tons of cartoons.

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

Ok, this time it isn't a LEFT entry =) I returned home to late to write in my lap... Yesterday doesn't deserve much space except for my "Círculo de Lectura" meeting. We talked about many things but two are to be mentioned in this blog (the reason being htat the other topics aren't interesting enough). There is the story of the circus' elephant. Everyone should remember that in the nights they sleep attached to a stake. And for many it seems natural, part of being a circus. Yet we know and many respect the strength of that kind of animal, who can rip apart trees like we grass. So the question is, why are they kept by a stake? (BTW, I'm certainly against that kind of treat to any animal, but and serves us well for an analogy, if you want to see a circus there's always Cirque Du Soleil =) Since elephants are young they are tighted to the stake, and they try to free themselves; however their little bodies aren't strong enough to break it. So the first night they try for hours, the second they try harder until they fall sleep, the third agian, and so... By the time they grow, they have been effectively "brainwashed".

The morale of this story is obvious. People come to believe in chains that trap them, they stop themselves becuase they see that stake as unbreakable, when in truth its just a stake. I pointed out, that night, that as time goes we put more and more stakes to our life. And on the other hand that we must remember that the stakes aren't evil, that they can be conceived as tools with a purpose. And that reminds me of my arguments for the dreaming...

On a side note we had many small talks of the world and we somehow ended we virginity. It was a surprise to me to see the difference of opinion between men and women. It appears that men (of my "Círculo", in any case) see virginity as a state of mind, while women see it as a physical characteristic. That shocked me, because if that behaviour were global, then women wouldn't have the problem of being treated in accordance to their virginity (which in my opinion is wrong; women shouldn't be mistreated for their sexual life). If global population saw it as a mental state then it wouldn't exist those stupid attempts to prove or disprove a maidhood. Virginity wasn't important to humanity until 14th century or so. So why do these women (some of them are married) try to think of virginity as something purely material? My conclusions are that it takes away responsability if it's just like circumcision, then you have it or not. Women are amazing, do they complicate their lifes or do men simplify it?

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

LEFT for you:

Today it's still monday! I'm here in my lap after losing a battle with Bamboo (mdk 9.1) it appears that upgrading isn't tuned enough, yet. I'm ISC and today I feel the need to describe my ISC day. It was great, today I enjoyed from the benefits of team and lonely work. This morning I felt for the first time cozy in the jungle called source files. It's pretty hard to work with code made by so many, on so many times and under different asumptions. Yet, I'm starting to feel confident in my understanding of the hidden mechanism =) I start to know where to look without consciously seeking for it. A dump starts to have meaning and not just a parragraph of hex digits! I'm near to catch up a bug I have been searching for almost a month. In the team side, I am building a niche. I'm asked for things, and this time I can answer them. So I suppose my education is going as planned. There starts to be a hierarchy and people trust me when they ask, and I trust those whom I ask. Friendship is growing. It's slow, the tec label still causes some frictions. In the afternoon I read about design patterns and I'm sure that will help one day, part of keep going. And to end this complete journey through the roles and ISC has, the evening was spent trying to update my linux box. I chose to upgrade instead of a clear installation, out of curiosity. The only thing it went bad was that the rpm database is out of date (and that the new kernel deadlocks with pcmcia as before, yet I can fix that easily). Apache, mysql and the rest of the guys are fine.
I sincerely doubt that any other profession can give me the variety of roles, of rules and of things to learn. How can one study any other career if there's software on the list? I can imagine myself in others but what can compare creativity, skill, hard work, and so many characteristics you can develop in this business. And better of all, you can share it, collaborational work or competence. Only art, pe'i, can approach but then my career on my eyes is art, in certain cases.And for those with a pragmatic mind there is, just like it's for the dreamers.

Monday, March 31, 2003


In case you wonder, every last entry I have wrote has a name which are on inverse order by date: paradox, spring break, proof, hakunamatata, neil, normal, libertad, individual, amor. The thing is that in my way I follow the basic principles of magic: knowing that names matter and that the sound or word doesn't matter. I'm atheist, and anyone with enough time thinking about it will realize that I repeat it too much, as if it were a mantra. And then my friends you would have half the true, knowing the name. I borned pisces, don't believe in astrology; but they say I have a tendency for the mystic world (Leos want to attract attention, Scorpio have a knack for manipulation and Sagittarius want to be the leaders that rescue us). For my model it pretty much approximate key roles people play. And it's and extremely lucky fortune that it resembles the daemenor of so many of my friends =) Yes I "studied" astrology a life ago. Magic is a wonderful thing. Magic is not pretending or tricks. The main concept of true magick is will. Volition as the fulcrum of making reality your playground. And that is true in this world, following rules as always (just like ancient, fairy magic says). People live in a people world. Few wish to leave outside of humanity, and as long as people change because of others, there will be a magic in life. We cannot challenge the natural laws but convincing a person of what you wish is the definition of magic for many, afterall...
A tale who tells of magic is a story who speaks of humanity. Dragons, gods, fairies, and energies are symbols; and symbols are power sources. Freedom, money, numbers are symbols, so don't be mislead there's magic in the world. Know the name.

Don't think there's a destiny or that life has given us messages al around the view to help us leave a better life. No there's no one but people who make things happen. And your better ally is of course yourself. The way I see it, I can view the stars and think "Hey I'm so small" and then when you think yourself so clever you can remember them, and there you have it a symbol. The earth has billions of years and will survive your life span so much that there's no hope you will be remember in the end. How about using this when you are ashamed? And you can make symbols as you wish. Of course there's danger in using it too much, lying to yourself is a possible outcome; so you must remember that they are tools. Don't miss the moon for a finger. And that's my brief essay of magic written by an atheist. So it doesn't matter.
LEFT to you...

Yesterday, saturday we had a great Ocioso day. Yes I know, I keep writing one day late, but there's so much I can make of a day and one day of subconscious filtering makes it more precise, a finer quality concept :P Well, there we were (yorch, julio, jaime, padilla, victor and blanco) a night that promised a lot of anime, which I frankly didn't want. Like anime just not in excess, and less if you consider that much of it I already saw. I persuaded them for a quick chat in the balcony of padilla's house. And here more than before it was perfectly clear how different we, the ociosos are. I like diversity, yet it doesn't help in mantaining a clear line of thought. Nonetheless it was fun and dynamic. A little after we started with Laputa. I knew the concept and I even had a background paper of it for more than i can remember. It remind me of the good things that anime has, and a kind of nostalgia aroused in me, the kind of "oldies are better" and then I remind myself of Spirit Away, which I haven't see. The day and film ended and we returned to our house. There isn't much to describe and the point for this entry is that it doesn't need to be a muffy thing to interest me, and that there's no need to extract an ethical rule or universal law from each thing. Just to let you know. Paradox is the word for this entry =)
LEFT to the reader... jaja

Today friday, I didn't went with Farfan, he didn't appeared to confirm the evening. That's a shame I wanted to talk with him. I had also scheduled our "Spring Break" event, named that way by our chiefs and having nothing to do with the beach wet-tshirts contests =) It was a laboral meeting, people with whom I work drived at 13:00, away from our cubicles to have a nice party(?) It was a no-alcohol event. People came from several teams and we enjoyed leaving early, and eating free. The organizers prepared little team games a la Liderazgo class. Yes, that doesn't sound great, and I heard some complains; but at the end of the day I was Feliz. Several of us did things with people we haven't meet before, and even better with people we everyday see and until now we had an excuse to saludate. Someone pointed out that it would have been funnier without those "childish games". I didn't agree. However the main point isn't this event, it's about growing. It's like if with age, there comes a resilence to accept new things, new concepts, new people. Long time ago a teacher said that high school is the place to make the best friends. And there's that kind of people who really think that it's best part of life already happened. From another side comes people who don't want to learn. And the list goes and goes. People are trained to think that childs can learn easier than adults. All of them see that life is a downward path from possibilities (almost infinity) to realities (certainly only one). I won't negate that entropy exist and rules a great part of reality, but why stop thinking there and sit in their sour life?
My wa y is hope. There are two forces who move the world: entropy and hope. These aren't my words. One makes friends by opening. One gets a better life by building it. And all of it starts by willing to, and the seed is a dream protected by hope. I have this feeling that people can mistake faith and hope. Faith is believing to be true. Hope is wishing to be true, and in my world that's a difference that matters. I don't want to sound like a cheap superation book, so I conclude this entry with a phrase. pe'i Life is about "keep going". Now I sound as a high priced superation book =)
Maybe I should have a label like "LEFT", Lap entry from this (moment)...

A quick declaration of my playing habit. I all the time think of life as a game, so its natural for me to say that I play with my lap(shiba), but you can read it as I work with, I do, I spend my time in, and so. Know that culturally in this so called grown-man world, playing is seen as childish, as without purpose, as an stupid way to pass time; why not to think of it as a shorthand way to say "do something with the assumption that you get fun in the midtime". Why do people only want to see starts and ends? (After all, you pass more time in the middle of something, if you want complete correctness you are always in the middle of, yes, your life, history and reality).

Know I return to yesterday's talk. We also talked about religion, not yet prepared to fully write about it here. I was surprised to know that he(Monge) didn't know how I came to be an atheist, don't think its time for it... and must of the people that probably reads this blog already knows the sketch of how I became one. However that topic deserves an explication. But Now, I'll tell you about another part of the story, that many don't know for reasons I'll explain. I'm talking about "What do I need to believe?". First of all, I have to say that it obviously depends of what it is to believe, but don't feel the need to explain and waste your times, so let's go direct to believing in a unique good God. I leave it so open because there's so many different beliefs of how it may be. There's an easy and a difficult way for it, from my position. The easy one is if it would happen a proof I need, and the hard way is what I call if by something I haven't considered things happen that makes me believe. Who knows if there's a hard way? So it may be possible that one day I'll start to believe and that having nothing to do with what I write now.
However I will write about my proof, my easy way. If there's a God he must be the intellectual beginner of the thing I need to perceive to believe. Here I won't really tell you what it is, I will sketch it, draw a circle around it. This thing must be a trivial thing so I will not be able to gain anything except faith from it. This shouldn't be a thing that's outside natural order, I'm not calling for a miracle. So it is something so normal that it can happen and people wouldn't see something strange, yet no so trivial to be posible by mere coincidence. I have the assumption that God has a divine plan, so it cannot be something that I believe can interfere with that "destiny". It will not ask for something I need, if I return to faith I want it not because I need help (in the sense of "please, cure my mother God, she's dying!"). I think that if there's a God, (s)he probably has a reason to not discover him/herself to the entire humanity, so it ought to be a personal proof, something a third person couldn't without faith clasify as evidence. The reason behind my secret proof is simply to avoid a well-meant person the tentation to make it happen. There's always the option that God decides to make my proof by using a human as its medium, but I feel that it should occur by God's will not mine. Isn't it a bit pompous of your part to think of yourself a virtous enough to that happen? No. Do you seriously think that a God so great will make an special case with you, and present himself to you? I don't think that God's manifestation is so alrightly strange, if you believe in what so many say and believe. There's tons of people who claim that once they have had a direct link with God (even more some have more faith because of it). If that happens, would you believe completely or what warranties do we have that you would not say "It was a coincidence"? In my mind I have no doubt that if it happens there would be no option but to believe. (Hey, it sounds as faith in my proof? Believing in it, without reasons). What will you do if it happens? Well, that should be a mystery until it happens, I have planned many things for that, let's call it for simplicity, possibility. I'm prepared to be a full time person (worshipper?) and eat my pride if that happens.
And here a Monge's question that I haven't think before this event. That proof would really answer your doubts? No, I don't expect it to answer all the things I want to know. The proof isn't about ending a quest, or answering all the difficult muffy items of life. It has as purpose to make me a bridge, to let me see God as a real option, not mere wishfull thinking. It should mark an start, a return, a milestone in my life. I think that in my way I have made every attempt to start a relation, so there's nothing I can do, but maybe have a way for him/her to slap my head.
An entry from my lap:

Last thursday, for me yesterday, I went with Monge to a coffee house. Yep, I don't like coffee but it's perhaps the easier place to have a nice talk with someone. Where and since when has coffee make polite conversation a posibility? Probably it's ancient, maybe it could have started with tea sessions and "degenerated" to coffee, it's cheaper. I really like tea, maybe more than chocolate, I can drink tons of the former; but a medium ration of the latter is more than enough for me.
Yet I'm not here to talk about my drink preferences =) The talk started with a weird direction, so I started with quick and direct questions, something to give taste to the moment =) We talked long and deeply about what we want. We passed through a sociology topic "History and Development of ISC psyche 101" and even we made a quick good-bad-things-you-have (an idea from Monge). And here starts my comments. It was hard, not that I had any fear of hurting or saying to much; there's strong trust and confidence on the relationship, his my friend. It was a mind "problem", there has passed too much time since I cared about good-bad things people have. Yes, I can see virtues and defects; I simply don't have a record. Try to catch the essence of that one, that's all I try. Yes, there are things I am constantly disturbed or delighted from people. Just as typically encounter amazing things in the world. There are tons of times when I think to myself "Its his/her way" and there it ends my attempts to control. Of course, there are things I want to change from my friends and people who I care (to the rest of humanity I normally don't have an "action plan"). Everyone who knows me have at least an idea that I try to correct people. Many times that's bad, because that causes them to think of me as an arrogant who believes himself an all-know man. But you need to know that I only try to correct to those I care. In a way, I'm more dilligent to your education than it maybe good. I seek orthographic mistakes. I try to make you think from another viewpoint, and several times I will try to confuse you. Please remember that most of the times I do it with my best intentions. Who am I to know The Way? That's the reason I pretty much don't deal with personal things. Try to give space. And when I don't clearly see a solution I give up and just support. Listening is the only thing I can do (it's hard to do it). And in the gray area of knowing what happens, and don't knowing; there's always space for tolerance, for letting be.
To be truth to all of you I have to give you the other half of the reason for my behaviour. Learning. I do that which I stated previously because I have a deep need to comprehend, people can call it manipulation or playing but its intents are knowing, feeling, absorbing part of reality to gain the truth. Won't say I have not more than fun doing it, is it so bad to have a gain-gain deal? And of course, before my personal entretainment (as someone can call it) I have respect for the people, and never consciously have done a game where there's any chances of a severe injury.
I know that this entry may sound cynical, utilitarian, mainly rational and a bit arrogant. But here I am, telling you what I think and do without trying to cheat you.