I was gonna post this incredible entry about how I'm scared of being scarred. That maybe, just maybe, the word "scare" and "scar" were related. Sadly, it's not the case, so I'm not that smart :p

Anyway, I'm afraid of being scarred, and I don't like that, not a bit. I was under the impression that one was supposed to leave fears behind as you grow. I'm too old to get new ones.

I got myself a victory against the darkness when I became a teen. I'm still fighting but talking to strangers or big groups is becoming ever easier. Talking in english, easy pie. (Though please forgive me for my pronunciation.)

I didn't ever got scared of clowns, animals or the like. While a teen, I was afraid of vampire movies. My rationality was sooo annoying pointing me how absurd I was... Anyway I got better :p I have only have one true nightmare in my life. From that point on, I couldn't sleep in bunk beds. (They are not so common, but I have the feeling that the fear went away). The movie "It" is the movie I was most afraid. Nowadays, I consider myself a one-fear man. Correction, now I got 2. Damn it!

I'm scared of being scarred for life. My dad is gonna day in no time and I don't want to be that guy. You know the "My dad died X years ago." Yes, I'm a jerk for telling it upfront this way.

Pollo's dead really marked me. Not a scar, but it was close. I was lucky to have met Mateos before. I'm gonna be a jerk a bit more, so please Mateos, excuse me. I really mean no harm, but I have to spell it.

This friend has a problem. He cannot do friends easily. (I don't think he sees me as a friend.) He is scarred for life. Years ago his best friend died and he just cannot "replace" that "hole". That's sad.

I could have been him. (This was the jerk part.) I really loved pollo, but I cannot leave on the false pretense that it is impossible to have a better friendship with someone else, one day. This by no means diminishes the connection I had, the memories, the things I learned.

Now I have this thing which is even worse. This time I cannot say I can have a better father one day :p Of course I won't ever have another pollo, but you know the difference, stop bitching.

I don't want to be the guy that when people see doing shit, they think "oh poor guy, his father is sick/dead." I hate to apologize for my distractions with "Sorry I have too many things over my head." I refuse to be treated different for this situation. So, if you read this. If I do mistakes, tell me so. If I'm falling short, tell me so. I have problems, yes, I have to deal with these things, not you.

P.S: It should probably have it's own post, but hey... if you really want to help me, don't tell me you will pray for me or my family. If you really believe that prayers work, fine, just do it. You don't have to tell me. I don't feel better by you telling me that. (Yes, my jerk side shows again. Your are telling me that, most probably, to feel better yourself.) Wait, you can do better. Do your pray and do something to improve this world. Help me make a better world without cancer. Join the pinkarmy. That my friend, that will do a difference and make me feel better :)

The other day a teacher added me to FB. It's strange, but I liked it. I remember years ago one specific class I had with him. We were seeing quantum computers (extracurricular). That's when I asked something simple like "why does Fermi has to be right?" Why does the Pauli Exclusion Principle holds true? The answer to that doesn't matter, just his answer. "Well Mr. Computerist [the name he used to refer to me], just believe it as right. It's dogma. The same way you believe in the virgin Mary." To which I replied, "Sorry, I'm not in that business. I'm atheist." To which he remained silent.
I think I got his respect for that answer. In my imagination that's why he sent me the invitation. I can see teachers turning students to a faceless sea of people "learning". He remembers me :p

Update: I see that he now has more students... c'est la vie.